I smashed my fist into the wall today


... as I came out of Lazychoo's house to go home.

I couldn't help it.

The pain it brought, although temporary, was a relief. Nothing much though, just a scraped knuckle.

Maybe it's really time to re-evaluate this relationship. The holes I can pretend to fill, but the faster I run the harder they caught up to me. I'd like to be like him too, running away from the questions.

Don't tell me to think about the future and bear with the pain for now, I already am thinking about the future and that's what's causing all this pain.

Because I see no future. And you of all people knows best why.

I feel like crying for all the weirdest reasons, and lucky for me I manage to control myself when I'm in front of other people.

I don't want to go overseas with you anymore. I don't want to try new things with you anymore. I don't want to buy a set of couple shirts anymore. I don't want your promises anymore.

I need to decide if this is really what I want for my life.

I read his blog just now and I really feel like shooting him. But on second thoughts, I'd rather not, seeing as he's just being the judgemental himself and if I don't like it I can leave instead of trying to change him.

He's just being him.

I've given advices to many people before, saying that their partners are just being themselves. They have no right to want to change the way their partners are. Either they accept it or leave.

Now I'm going to use this for myself.

Do I, or do I not? Ok, I rephrase. Can I, or can I not?

I guess I'll have to think for a few days. We'll see what the outcome is.

Gaping big holes


That are still not filled and can never be filled. Forcing myself to sink back into pretending not to know again.

"This relationship is dying, right?"

I don't know. I seriously don't know.

No woman should ever have to go through the pain of seeing her loved one's wedding photos.

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Can't say I remember much to blog about, but at least I have pictures.

Miscellaneous pictures from my handphone,

Zeke's '06 RS125 going at 188km/h.


If you believe I can take that you'd believe anything.

My baby's first time being serviced by anyone other that my cute mech Lionel.



Aprilian brothers and yellow Mito brother and sister.



The license plate bro Vik's been looking for.


For Vik.

Crazy people playing with Samuel's Doraemon helmet.


Lazychoo + ice-cream


Alexander2004

Awfully cute little thing found in Great World City's pet shop



The cute little kitty who accompanied me when I was alone at the dam doing some thinking.



She jumped and frolicked around me but always stayed out of reach. Really cute.



This doggie came after the kitty ran off to chase some imaginery butterfly. He laid down beside me and demanded to be petted.

They cheered me up. So people who goes to the dam often, treat them nice, ok? Bring doggie and kitty food or something.

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Mito club shirt printed by Lawrence.





People who need printing for shirts, ask me about Lawrence.

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Since the small picture hiatus, Lazychoo's caught another two babies for me.

From the same machine he caught our Tiny the kitty with, comes baby piglet,



And Tiny the kitty number 2.



Aren't they sweet?

And while we're on the subject of things Lazychoo's gotten for me, here's a little something that I'm in love with.



They're absolutely exquisite! And cheap too. We were wandering around in Turf City when this caught my eye. I asked the shop owner for it and Lazychoo paid for them.

I know you girls are going, "So what? My so-and-so gets things for me all the time, what's so bloggable about it?". It's just that Lazychoo doesn't get things for me often, so they're very precious to me.

So there.

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How my new computer came about

The good thing about having a computer technician (short for computer bao ga liao) as a boyfriend is that you can have an almost non-existant knowledge of computers and still have a very good computer.

In addition to my new furnitures, comes my new computer. The following pictures depicts the piecing together of my computer, but since I don't know what piece is for what I won't be able to give comments.

They do look colourful though.


The master at work.


The boxes of unpacked stuff + one very curious dog.

Closeup of the curious baby,



The empty casing (not for long).



What's this? Graphic card or something.



Fixing the *ahem* something.



This is the *ahem* something. Or something. Whichever.




Colourful.

This I know! This is the FAN!



The something something.



The master knows what he's doing.



This is a box. That's all I know.



This was what's inside the box. I think.



Even the master needs the instruction manual.





Thou shalt not be called a master unless thou hast blurry hands because thou pieced them together ever so fast.



The composition is done!



See-thru window for me to put neon lights at my whim!



Lazychoo making final adjustments,



And voila~



The place where I sit at this very moment, blogging.

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What happens when you tell Jazzy that you're coming over now and she's all prepared waiting for you and you're still not here after half an hour?

She plays with her camera. And posts everything online.



The $3.95 visor from mini toons.







Visor off.

















Sshh!





Taking the focus off myself,





Sharing the focus again,









After having nothing else to take pictures of, and after rolling about in my bed for awhile, he finally came.

Finally.

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Family dinner at a Thai sharkfin restaurant last night

Pictures. Mostly of me camwhoring la, so if you're bored look elsewhere.

My newest and youngest cousin, Yu Xin (I forgot her English name).



Her cute sister, Xin Yi (Cindy).



El Mama and el daughter,



going crazy.



El sisters.



Wahey~ (No, we're not drunk. We didn't even drink).









Now that's she's learnt how to make ugly faces,



It's time to have fun!











We had fun.



.

More camwhoring expeditions next time!

Excerpt from Espy


"IF is the word that keeps me going everyday. I just want you to know that, no matter what happens to either one of us. I will be right here waiting for you.

Until today, time has passed. People have moved on. But I refuse to jump into another relationship with anyone else. Because I know deep down inside of me. No one can replace you.Maybe someone else better is here along the way, but every individual is unique in their own ways. So what if someone else is better than you. She still won't be able to replace you in my heart. Because she isn't you. And that is the reason why I choose to remain single. Because you are irreplaceable.

Time will tell our story as it passes by every second.

As long as I am still breathing, I will be waiting for you.

A second chance for us to write a fresh chapter in the books is what I pray for everyday.

Nothing will change my love for you."

Lifted from Tianbao's blog http://number-55.blogspot.com/ . He wrote it to his ex-girlfriend after they broke up. I can't publicize why they broke up because the story is not mine to blog, but I can surely tell you bao has his reasons. And damn good ones at that.

Damn it, bao, why oh why do you have to make me so jealous?

I just want a relationship with a future. I just want one in which he will love me as much as I love him. I just want to understand what the fuck is true love and why everyone's chasing after it.

How hard is that?

You tell me.

I can feel the walls strengthening.


Haha. Unbelievably weird mood tonight.

Friends of his, you can say all you want about me, just keep in mind you've only heard his side of the story.

Friends of ours, if you want to get involved, at least listen to both sides of the story before you make judgement or run off to play with other people's bikes.

Friends of mine, thanks for standing by me. You want to listen to his side of the story?

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Special thanks to Yuffie and Daniel, who extended concern during that worst period of depression.

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Random Ramblings


Ten months ago I broke out of my shell to try a hand at love again, only to find that love held nothing for me.

That shell was built long before so that I won't hurt myself again.

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I'm building a wall of stone.

Around my heart.

Brick by brick.

Layer by layer.

The foundation must be good. They must never crumble. They must never melt upon small acts denoting love. They must never let me down, ever again.

Stone by stone. Brick by brick.

Let's build the wall up high. So high that even I can't see out of it. So hard and strong that even the most destructive machinery cannot break it down.

I'm building a wall of stone.

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Please, please, please do not pick an argument with me right now. I am on the verge of screaming and crying and pounding my fists into the wall until they bled.

Please do not pick an argument with me right now.

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She sat in a corner on the kitchen floor, in the dark. Staring out of the window at the starless night.

Knife beside her.

Silent tears running down her cheeks.

She feels as though the whole world is on her shoulders. She feels as though she is the most idiotic woman alive.

Well, not for long anyway.

She puts the knife to her wrist. The tears come down faster.

Suddenly she feels a warm tongue licking her.

It's her dog, licking away her tears.

She throws the knife aside and holds her dog tight. She's forgotten that someone else needs her, someone in the world loves her no matter what, and has been loyal and faithful to her all throughout their years together.

"Momma loves you baby," She sobs into her dog's fur. "and Momma'll never leave you. Baby.. Momma's so sorry.."

Time passed, and the night watched as a girl with her dog in her arms cried and cried, sobs wracking her body uncontrollably as spasms passed through her chest.

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I don't need your help. I don't need your pity. I just need you to understand. I just need you to stand in my shoes and understand how hard it was for me not to smash my fist into the wall with vengeance, again and again until the wall is smeared with red.

Believe me, I've tried that before.

I just need you to understand why it is that I'm feeling the way I feel. I just need you to understand how it feels like to be me. To be trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Please understand. Because nobody's ever did before.

Please understand.

I was wrong


It's not over yet.

I get this feeling it will never be over.

Can't blog much


There's a long, boring story attached to the reason why I'm not blogging as often as I should/want to.

My internet was down for a couple of days because of a fault that some idiot broadband company won't admit, telling us instead when the technician came that nothing was wrong and that the internet magically came back on itself. Come on, own up, lah! Would it kill for you to admit it?

Anyway, also attached to the reason was the fact that I've just gotten my new computer (along with all the new furniture in my room) and I can't find the software to upload photos from my digicam into my new computer.

Almost crashed and burned a couple of times these few days. There I was, happily cruising along at maybe 120km/h, music from my mp3 blasting away into my ears and daydreaming on my bike. One moment I was somewhere in la-la land waltzing with my prince, the next something went off in my head and I landed back in reality, just in time to pull myself and my bike away from what looked like an imminent crash had I not woken up. No, I wasn't asleep. I was thinking about a lot of things and somehow they clouded the road that stretched out in front of me.

Anyway, along with the depression and the insomnia, came Mr Flu. Thanks leh, thanks for ravaging me while I was at my weakest. Lucky for me it's over now.

I feel so much better now, after having a talk with Lazychoo's sister. I began to see things about our relationship from an outsider's perspective, instead of being blinded by my own hurt and insecurity. Of course, the pain and insecurity will always be there, but with a little help from Lazychoo I believe we can both curb it.

It takes both hands to clap. It also takes effort from both parties in a relationship for it to work. Shall we work towards a common goal?

Making babies





Eh, how come I dunch have?

Still depressed


What could be worse? Oh I know.

Insomnia.

Fuck.

Someone sweet talked to me about it today. Felt much better, but the feeling came back after he went offline.

What the hell is happening?

Let's just pretend I don't know. Let's just pretend I don't think. And let's just pretend I don't feel.

Now isn't that much better?

Except that it isn't. It still hurts inside. Fuck. It shouldn't hurt so much. What he's doing I'm trying to do as well. Why is it still hurting so much?

People say we're the sweetest couple. People say we look like a problem-free couple.

Well let me tell you this.

The couple that looks the sweetest, have the most underlaying problems of all.

Fuck you. Fuck you all to heck.

So much to say


So much to do. So much to post. Now where do I start?

I found out why the recent strong bout of depression. I just don't know why it originated.

While it's not all coming from Lazychoo, most of it is.

There are many things I can't say because most of them are "supposedly" out of my boundaries but I just come to know about them. Most of them I "found out", some of them I deduced.

I know how you feel. And there is no way I can do anything about it except feel jealous and helpless and worthless.

They say the woman you cannot get is the best woman you'll ever have. She is the woman you cannot get, I am the woman whom someone else cannot get, it does seem a little unfair on my side. Either way I lose out.

You know, the term "Girlfriend" is only a formality. You could love someone and treasure someone without having her be your girlfriend. And most of the time, the feelings exchanged between two persons who are not bound by formality but still deeply in love are much stronger than those who are.

Take me, for instance. Of all my past romances, the one I loved the most was the only one who was not my boyfriend.

So no point telling me she was not your girlfriend. Don't tell me nothing happened between you two.

And don't say if I did the same thing, if I went to meet my ex-boyfriends you would be ok with it because you trust me. One, you never mean what you say. Trust me, you won't be ok with it. And two, I've never done anything for you to distrust me.

Trust is earned, not expected. So don't expect me to trust you when you never mean what you say and never keep your promises.

If you're pining for her then go ahead. If you're persistant I'm sure she will accept you back. Don't just stick with me because I'm the only choice left. I'm sure she doesn't appreciate feeling like a spare tyre too.

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He still sees her every now and then. She is his customer, mah. Fuck.

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I hate your been-there-done-that, I-know-it-all attitude. It totally destroys whatever happy mood I'm in. It makes me not want to do anything new at all when you start giving that attitude.

I'm tired of all your weird reasons and excuses for your broken promises and your own contradiction.

I am depressed and I am irritable. I'm not taking anything anymore.

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I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to become a 35-year-old, having never tasted life the way I want to taste it and tied down by the reality of having my own family.

Heck, I'm only 19-years-old and already I'm not doing what other 19-year-olds or even up to 25-year-olds are doing.

I want my youth back.

But you know what? I guess this is just the way I am. I can't get it back. I can't want too much either with him in my life.

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Been at a family chalet for the past three days.

Pictures (too depressed to explain anything).

Cousin Cheeyong and his dad.





Lazychoo





The backs of Shirong and his girlfriend.



Leeling jiejie and jie-fu.



Sweet sweet.



My two small cousins



My brother-in-law, Jonathan, at the pit



Cousin Cheeyong



The July babies.



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I've been searching for the meaning of love for a long, long time.

I understand the love between a mother and her child, between families, between owners and pets, but I've never truly understood the love between two different persons who come to meet at a certain stage of their lives.

Many people have tried explaining to me, but none of them have ever given me a satisfactory answer. Which also means probably no one knows the meaning of that kind of love too.

They say no matter what kind of glitches in the relationship, love can conquer all. But what is the meaning of that love? You care for someone and you take care of someone and.. then what? What is it that makes you love someone so much that you can use that love to conquer all the glitches?

What is love?

What is true love?

You can't give me a satisfactory answer. No one can.

Updates on my room


After they removed everything..





These are still in the living room



... because the Salvation Army hasn't been by to collect them. I'm seriously thinking of donating everything to the karang-guni man.

While the men were working,



I was selfishly cooking for myself (hey, there weren't enough macaroni to go around okay?)



Anyway, the furniture came yesterday and this is how my room looks like now.







Don't be fooled by the neatness, anything and everything that looks messy is all stuff into whatever cupboards available.

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Bad period of time for blogging.

Why?

Because..
1) I haven't been writing for a long time, and most of my language-use has gone down the drain.
2) No mood to blog.
3) Stupid phone line dies on me every afternoon.

Ah well. Hopefully my mood will get better soon.